Make me wanna die
by Thesilverlaurel
Summary: Alternative doesn't think he's good enough. Beyond wants Alternative to see that Alternative isn't good enough; he's better than good enough. No one sees the toll the stress has on Alternative, except Beyond.


**I'm not sure if the ≠ will always show up, so if it's just a box, the missing symbol looks sort of like =/=, or an equals sign with a line through it. In maths, this means 'does not equal'. Also, the symbol means 'is greater than'.**

**Take me, oh! my life,**

Almost Escape- or Alternative, or Angel, or just 'A'- was intelligent; the most intelligent in Wammy's house. And the only one who ever doubted his intellect was himself.

**Never was a **_**boy**_** with a wicked mind,**

He worked hard to be number one. A little too hard, some may now say. He barely slept, he barely ate, and almost every conscious hour he would dedicate to learning and studying. It wasn't healthy.

**But everything looks better,**

He was thin, with dark bags under his eyes. But everyone ignored this, because he was always smiling. He was a punk, wearing a pale blue shirt, thick black jeans, and brown twelve-hole boots. No one asked any questions when he started to wear elbow-length black gloves.

**When the sun goes down,**

He often fell asleep at the desk in his bedroom. He always woke up in his bed. He sometimes noticed this apparent teleportation. But he was usually too worried about an exam or a test taking place that day.

**I had everything;**

One of the brilliant things about Wammy's house is the fact that if a child wanted something, they only have to ask, and it's theirs. Alternative's room is full of books, from Romeo and Juliet, to the Psychopath Test, to the U. S. of Eh? Every last one of them has been read cover-to-cover, and absorbed completely.

**Opportunities for eternity,**

Every child at Wammy's house was guaranteed a future fighting for justice. Some would join the military. Some would join the police force. Some would even become private detectives like L. But Alternative didn't want to be like L. Alternative wanted to be L.

**When I could belong to the night,**

Alternative was determined. Everyone was so sure Alternative would do it; he would be the next L. Only one saw the toll the stress took on Alternative's health. One boy, with pale skin, dark hair, and crimson eyes.

**In your eyes, your eyes, I can see,**

Beyond Birthday- or Back-up, or B.B, or just 'B'- doesn't doubt his friend Angel's intelligence. On the contrary, Beyond has a deep respect for Angel's intellect, and for his determination and reckless perseverance.

**In your eyes, your eyes,**

Beyond sees the world differently from other people. Partly because he sees the world through a cloud of red. Mostly because he can see the name of everyone he looks at, but also how long they have left to live.

**You make me wanna die,**

The numbers don't take accidents into account. Nor do they account for suicide.

**I'll never be good enough, you make me wanna die,**

One of the reasons Alternative didn't believe in his own intelligence is because L, the very man he looked up to, never thought to congratulate him. L simply pushed Alternative to do better next time, advised him to re-read certain books, told him which topics he had fallen down on.

**And everything you love would have been a lie,**

Watari always congratulated Alternative. But Alternative would never believe it unless it fell from L's lips.

**Every time I look inside your eyes,**

Angel was the first to ask Beyond why his eyes are red. And Beyond told him honestly.

**You make me wanna die,**

At first, Angel didn't believe him. But when Beyond called him 'Almost Escape', Angel had no option but to believe him.

**Taste me, drink my soul,**

Angel and Beyond were friends. There was an unspoken agreement; Angel wouldn't tell anyone that Beyond is a freak, and Beyond won't tell anyone about Angel's funny name, or how it was a paedophile who gave him it.

**Show me all the things that I shouldn't know,**

Angel kept his distance, but Beyond was always there. He was the only one who noticed when Angel skipped meals. He was the only one who noticed when Angel's bedroom light stayed on all night. He was the only one who noticed when Angel suddenly started to wear his elbow-length gloves. And he was the one who moved Angel when he fell asleep at his desk.

**And there's a new moon on the rise,**

Near was a prodigy. There was no doubting that. And even though Near was just a child, Alternative knew that one day, the small, pale, white-clad boy would by far outshine him.

**I had everything,**

Matt, Mello and Near were close friends. They pulled pranks on staff and children, completed puzzles with ease, played for hours on multiplayer on a variety of consoles.

**Opportunities for eternity,**

The trio had an agreement that if anyone hurt or killed L, the man they idolised, they would take that bastard down together.

**When I could belong to the night,**

They weren't on the rankings yet. In some ways, Angel and Beyond envied them for it, as they didn't have to stress, and could play and laze around as much as they liked. But really, Angel and Beyond pitied them, because they could see that the rakings would tear Mello and Near apart, and Matt would be forced to choose between them.

**In your eyes, your eyes, I can see,**

Angel would often ask Beyond about his eyes. It they work on drawings. On side-profiles. On someone who had undergone plastic surgery. On photographs of people who have already died. And every time, Beyond answered honestly.

**In your eyes, your eyes, everything,**

Beyond thought that the numbers above people's head were permanent, and nothing could change them. Until Matt started smoking. Every cigarette Matt smoked, his number would drop by ten.

**In your eyes, your eyes,**

Angel would sometimes wonder what his number was. Then he'd decide he didn't want to know when he was going to die.

**You make me wanna die,**

If Angel had asked, Beyond would have told him that he'd live to be in his nineties.

**I'll never be good enough, you make me wanna die,**

No one asked any questions when Alternative's grades began to slip.

**And everything you love would have been a lie,**

L didn't say anything. Watari didn't congratulate him.

**Every time I look inside your eyes, (I'm burning in the light)**

Alternative began to stay up later. Eat less. Study more.

**You make me wanna die,**

Alternative took up his knife. But instead of carving into the flesh of his arm like he usually did, he began to carve into the wood of the table.

**I would die for you, my love, my love,**

Alternative had fallen asleep at his desk again. Beyond knew because his light was on, but there was no mumbling as empty facts were memorised, no flipping through pages to find a forgotten statistic, no exasperated groans as a theory ran through a retrieval failure.

**And I would lie for you, my love, my love, (you make me wanna die)**

Beyond moved Angel to his bed with practised ease. That was when he saw the freshly-made carvings.

**And I would **_**kill**_** for you, my love, my love,**

A ≠ L. That's all the carvings said, again and again, over and over. A ≠ is not equal to L.

**And I would die for you, my love, my love,**

Beyond took up the knife and made a carving of his own. An A, an L, and two lines in the middle.

**It would have been a lie,**

The new rankings were up. That was the day Near first beat Mello. That was the day the friendship between Near and Mello collapsed. That was the day Matt, barely seven years old, was forced to choose, forced to make the biggest decision of his life. And we all know what he chose.

**Every time I look inside your eyes, (I'm burning in the light)**

That was the day Alternative hit rock bottom. He'd been slipping, and was no longer the most intelligent.

**Look inside your eyes, (I'm burning in the light)**

He shot himself in his bedroom, and took up his knife. And once again, he felt like doing something different. Instead of shallow little slits across his forearm, he dug the knife in at his elbow, and dragged it down to his wrist.

**Look inside your eyes,**

As his blue shirt turned purple, watery eyes scan the desk he had spent so much time at. At the carvings he had scarred it with. And finally, a little too late now, his eyes settled onto a carving that he hadn't made.

**You make me wanna die.**

For the first time in far too long a time, Angel's thoughts were not of studying. They were not of his intelligence, or the rankings, or even of L. His thoughts were of something more important than L. A boy, with pale skin like L, and dark hair like L.

"B..." Angel mumbles, before slumping forwards over the carving, his blood seeping into the damaged wood.

If you ask Beyond, he'll tell you that Almost 'Alternative' Escape is an Angel now. He'll tell you that A is greater than L. He'll tell you that he tried to tell A, but A didn't see the carving until it was a little too late.

A L

**A/N:**

**You may have noticed that A's name switches between Angel and Alternative. This is because only Beyond called him Angel, so 'Angel' is only written in correspondence to Beyond.**

**I don't own Death Note, or Romeo & Juliet, The Psychopath Test or U S of Eh? Nor do I own Pretty Reckless and their song 'Make Me Wanna Die'.**

**I do not encourage cutting or suicide attempts. If you are feeling suicidal, please talk to someone. If you are too nervous to talk to anyone you know, my URL never changes so you can PM me, and my Tumblr is the same so you can send me an ask, Anon or otherwise. I personally have never cut myself, but I will always try to help in any way I can. Stay strong, friends.**

**-Laurel Silver**


End file.
